Big Thoughts

So I was scrolling through my Pinterest feed the other day and I happened to notice this. 

It was interesting to me on quite a few levels. First, I'm a Disney nut and I enjoy pretty much all things Disney. Second, I have depression and I have felt these feelings. Many of them so strongly that it physically hurt inside or found myself, like Elsa, curled up alone wondering what to do or why I feel this way. I have had the thought many times over the past few months that I should share my story, my battle, on my blog. I'm not sure why. There really aren't that may people who actually read it I'm sure. But maybe it's for my children, since I use this as my journal. Maybe one day they will be at a point where they need to hear what I have to say. Maybe someday I will need to hear these things from myself. And maybe, just maybe there is someone out there that will read this and receive strength from my experiences.

So here it is: I have depression. I have battled it for 12 years. I'm not ashamed of it or myself one bit! In fact ask me about it, I'm very open about my condition and want to be an advocate for those who need a support system. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed because I fight! I am fighting it every day. That seems a bit over dramatic but in a sense it is true. I don't have depression one day and not another. Just because I am happy, smiling, or laughing doesn't mean it's gone.  But it also doesn't mean that I feel the feeling listed above every day either. I am thrilled to say that I know happiness! I have joy in my life and I am so thankful for it! I have been in the darkness. I have felt alone, afraid, and sometimes I just didn't feel at all. Because of those moments of darkness, I can more fully appreciate and enjoy the light. 

When I began my first journey into the dark I was just out of high school. I had started college, which was not nearly as easy as I expected. I may have had my ego knocked a bit. I had also been through a bad break up that I didn't see coming. Those I feel like, were my triggers as well as my age. I slept A LOT! I went about what I had to do; work, school, church. And I put on a happy face there because at this point I didn't know what was happening. Slowly it became harder to wake up in the morning, I would fall asleep in classes and I didn't really care. I would sleep as soon as I came home. The tears followed, very easily and often for very simple reasons. The ache started inside and I began to notice that I wasn't myself. I reached out to my mom. Bless my mom for her love and understanding. Bless her for her quick action. She, knowing that depression can be hereditary, got me in to our family doctor and surrounded me with love and was there whenever I needed someone to talk to. I began taking an antidepressant daily and the change was wonderful. It is hard to explain that process. It is a slow process, I wish it was overnight but it's not. You have to continue to fight every day as you wait for your brain to fix itself. 

There have been other times when the darkness has taken back over or inched its way back. I tried to quit cold turkey once, that was a poor choice. Cody and I thought that since I was happy and married and doing well. We also may have had the ulterior motive that all newlyweds do, saving a little money. I learned my lesson and bless his heart he loved me in spite of it all. Each pregnancy and the change to having Cody travel so much for work for long periods of time have also caused me to have to battle a little harder to keep the darkness at bay. Meds are adjusted, up or down, I have added exercise, and am doing my best to focus my life around my beliefs and pray. Through this process I have been so blessed to have a loving husband that supports me and has worked to understand this condition. He is understanding when I tell him that I need a little extra help.

I think that my career in the medical field has made it easier for me to understand or accept this as an actual medical condition. Depression is a medical condition. The quantity of serotonin (happy hormones) in my brain needs to be elevated because I don't make enough and the receptors (happy hormone grabbers) don't allow them to attach where they need to. 

I am not depressed because I am a bad person or because I don't have a close relationship with my Savior. The hairs on my neck stand on end when I hear others blindly accuse the depressed of this. We can't just snap out of it. We have to fight this battle every day.

Now, my feelings and experiences are not universal to depression. I know that all of us feel joy, pain, and sorrow in our own way. My purpose in writing this was to share, to offer support and love. To give encouragement to those who may need it to take the first step toward the light but don't know how or don't want to risk the embarrassment of admitting there is a problem. We can do it! We can support one another and the light will come.